Break the Silence

In a time when I should really be blogging MUCH more often (as I’m going through some pretty tough and generally strange times right now) is actually the time when I felt the need to stay away from my blog and the online world in general. I’ve not really been able to pinpoint the reason behind this as my website has always been something of a release for me. It’s something that I use to express what’s on my mind and purge my mind.

The harsh reality of the situation is that the weblog is often times not the perfect or ideal solution for venting and for getting things off your chest. The reasons are simple. You end up sounding like some whiny git, or you upset people in your real life that might take offence with what you’ve written. So in effect over the past couple of weeks I’ve just kept silent because of that.

As if that would be enough, it’s not. I can’t really talk about my personal life as much as I’d like to. I’m a very open person, so most (if not all) of my thoughts are written on my face, so my site should really be a reflection of that right? Wrong. I can’t really talk about soo many things that I would like to get off my chest because these words are then let out into the wild. Left into the cyber realm far away from my control. I can’t realistically hide my writing from some people. It’s like some people I’d love for them to be able to read things that I write while others I’d like to filter that sort of thing out. Or does it really matter? That’s what’s been going on in my head these past few weeks and to be honest it’s not until I actually sat down and started writing these things down did I realise what was annoying me, what was keeping me away.

In a way I guess blogging is less (to me at least) about what it was in the beginning. At first it was all about expression. You did your thing and got on with it, because NO ONE was watching us in the beginning. Nobody really cared about what these guys did in the fringes of the internet. We had a certain amount of anonymity.

I’m currently at a crossroads. This is a crossroads that will effect my online presence, as this week I was seriously considering packing in the pipe dreams of graphic novels, artwork, design, graphics and the lot and just concentrating on engineering. I know it’s fucking strange to hear and it seems as though I’ve given up after a fashion.

Then yesterday I remembered something. It’s a feeling only artists can feel. Maybe designers as well, but artists more so, because they’re doing all the lifting. It’s about the feeling of completing the piece of artwork in front of you. You start off with a blank piece of paper, with only a vision, a clear idea of what the final drawing will look like once you’ve completed it. Once you’ve laid the last bit of ink, or completed the paint and it’s dried, that feeling lasts only a little while; the problem is that engineering can NEVER replicate that feeling, no matter how much I decide to give it time and energy and effort.

So am I packing it in? Probably not just yet, but I definitely needed to have this heart to heart to get things off my chest, and I guess that’s what it’s all about.


  1. I can’t comment on your situation, of course. But I will say that I do feel the same satisfaction from crafting something clever and elegant for K2 (for instance) as I do from building a similarly elegant 3D model or whatever.

    It lies in the pride that comes with knowing your craft well enough to care about details which others might never notice. Whether it’s in how the line flows not a little more to the right or left, but just so. Or whether it’s in how your JS code is layed out. I think it’s the same thing.

    Either way, that is just my view.

    Another view I also have is to never pack in your dreams. It’s always healthy to be pragmatic, but don’t sell out your dreams for pragmatism.

    1 Michael Heilemann
    Quote | 2/12/2006
  2. Well Said. You almost spoke your real feelings….

    2 Fadi
    Quote | 2/12/2006
  3. Filtered or not, it’s your blog and it’s your rights. Take time off to do some soul search I guess, ask what is important in your life. And then decide. I’m sure you will.

    Anyways, designers do to. Get that tingling feeling of satisfaction seeing the completed work. I do web design, from the very beginning in a blank white canvas in PS for rough layout to seeing the final site fully functional and look the way you envisioned it to be, is just priceless.

    3 Khairudin Lee
    Quote | 3/12/2006
  4. If you remember I was having a crisis much like this almost exactly a year ago.

    For me it was more of a change in perspective, moving back to fine art from web design, but the pathos was the same I think: the feeling that I am not a designer anymore, if I ever was. I should just pack it in and focus on something else.

    And so I did for a good while, and I believe it allowed me to recharge my batteries so to speak; After the break I was able to come back and throw together my current site almost effortlessly. And I am very proud of the design, it contains everything I believe in as a designer: simplicity, balance, harmony and space.

    All this to say, do not despair and never give up hope. Sometimes all you need is a break… not neccesarily a change.

    4 Chris J. Davis
    Quote | 11/12/2006
  5. You’re right Chris, it is all about taking a bit of a break from blogging sometimes to just energise. It’s really strange but to be honest writing about certain things just seems trivial at times, and other times I find that I forget to write about other things, which ultimately get ignored completely.

    Baby steps though and I’m sure I’ll get back into it with a fiery passion, but for not I’m a bit burnt out of the whole thing which means updates will only happen when I’m well up for it all.

    5 Khaled
    Quote | 11/12/2006

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